"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax. Tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. "
"I admire someone who has been through a lot and still keeps their head up. "
"Embrace your grief and your sadness felt towards those that have passed and remember them with love. "
"How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree . . . and then realize it was your air-freshener. "
"The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated. "
"My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. "
"Having integrity means more to us than simply the absence of deception. "
"Why did the school kids eat their homework? Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. "
"A man's feet must be planted in his country, but his eyes should survey the world. "
"When you make a mistake, you try to fix it. "
"You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me. "
"Expect while reaching for the stars, people to whirl by with their dark clouds and storm upon you. "
"Every moment is a fresh beginning. "
"Why was six scared of seven? Because seven “ate” nine. "
"People living deeply have no fear of death. "
"Trump 2024! "
"if Barbie is so popular then why do we buy her friends and boyfriends? "
"Sometimes you can learn things from the way a person denies something. The choice of lies can be almost as helpful as the truth. "
"What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing "
"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. "
"The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. "
"Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home. "
"The cornerstone of the political correctness that dominates campus culture is radical feminism. "
"Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. "
"If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. – Ann Landers "
"IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got. "
"Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions. "
"You have cute elbows. For reals! "
"What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. "